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[Wednesday
July 15th, 2009] |
Answer these questions, add one of your own, and tag 5 people!
What is your current obsession?
I tend to get obbsessed with things varying from foods, to weird objects.
ive always loved having different types of pens around, using each one till i find one that somehow makes my handwriting neater, or more elegant. ive been on a pin kick for a while now. as for foods ive been obsessed with Honest brand Orange Mango with Mangosteen juice. its amazing and just " a tad sweet".
What is your weirdest obsession?
Probably painting my nails. I know that might sounds weird, but hey its suppose to be. I used to paint my nails every saturday night during my jr year (when I lived with my grandparents) just so I could pick them while I had to sit though the extremely long and boring sermons the next morning at church. I dont really pick at them anymore, but Im obsessed with finding new and out there colors and painting them as perfect as I can.
What are you wearing today?
Today I have work so im only wearing a forest green crew neck top, with black jeans, and beige TOMS.
We're suppose to wear black, red, or white, but i dont really like the way that combo looks on me, so I dont.
What's for dinner?
Probably chicken parmesan, or cheese&spinach raviolis in tomato sauce with water to drink.
What's the last thing you bought?
More SmartOnes dinner meals. Nick and I have been on a diet, and ive already dropped 10 lbs. So I keep our freezer pretty stocked up with a variety of different meals, which surprisingly taste really good.
That question about a fully furnished, paid-for house that everyone answers with 'Paris' or 'New York'.
Im not sure where I'd rather be. I guess maybe New York, on the outskirts, not the city. I want a large house with a huge porch and some land. I just want to get old and sit on my porch in a rocking chair drinking sweet tea.
What is your must-have item for summer?
Air conditioning. Nicks mom wont turn it on unless its almost 87 degrees inside the house. Im usually walking around in underwear and a tank top and am constantly in front of a fan. At work I turn the air down to below 60 because even then it only cools the place to about 73 which is perfect, but I still get hot if Im running around all the time.
If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would it be?
Ireland. hands down. Id go walk around the beautiful hills, and then hurry back to a pub to drink an Irish beer on tap, and sing an Irish bar song with some handsome Irish men.
Who do you want to meet right now?
No one, at the moment. Im about to walk out the door for work, and am fearing Im going to be late as it is. Maybe some other time.
What is your favourite piece of clothing from your own closet?
Goodness thats really tough. I just bough a black floral chiffon top thats really flow-y and really long. It looks great on , and I have yet to wear it, but from the moment I saw it, I loved it.
What is your dream job?
national Geographics Photographer. I want to see the world, and the people of the world in their natural environment doing the things they have to survive, things that make them happy, and the things they do everyday just because.
What's your favourite magazine?
I like W magazine for the pictures, National Geographics for the same reason, and Teen Vouge for the fashion.
What do you consider a fashion faux-pas?
Tights as pants. idk i just dont care for it.
Describe your personal style.
ever changing. one day I'll be wearing a v-neck, jean shorts, and flip flops, the next in skinny jeans, an oxford shirt with suspenders,and the next a dress with lace leggings and boots, it varies i guess.
What are you going to do after this?
work work work
Two styling tips that always work for you:
1. Cardigans, always work.
2. Flats are classic
What are you proud of?
Occasionally my photographs, and my journal. When I look back at previous entries from when I was younger, I only wrote about the bad things, the sad times and the "broken hearts". I now can write about the accomplishments, the heart ache from loving someone so much it hurts and them loving you back, and the things that make me smile. Its always easier to be sad in my opinion.
What do you see outside your window?
a bush : (
What is your favorite color?
Ive always loved neutrals. Black, beiges, browns. But lately Ive really loved coral, forest green, seafoam green, navy blue, and wine purple.
What is your weakness?
Procrastination. I am epic-ly awesome at it. Oops.
What animal would you be?
I think everyone has said cat! Me too. Then we could all hang out together and be graceful and adorable and have tails! It's like that thing, that line, in Vanilla Sky. I will see you in another life, when we are both cats—or something. I really like bunnies an awful lot, but I would want to be a cat.
What would you like to learn how to do?
It would be nice to be able to sing. I cannot, at all! I have a very hard time hearing and really getting music, and all that, but it would be quite nice.
What do you want to never happen in life?
Zombies. I was going to say all manner of epic disaster, and that still applies, but John and I were talking about this the other day. I really, really, really hate zombies. So much. I have no illusions about it. Come zombies, I know there is only so far a girl like me can get with a flashlight and a box of triscuits, so I'll just cut my losses and jump off something high. Or, rather not have them at all!
What is on your bedside table?
A lot of things. I am a pack-rat. There is the alarm clock that is older than dirt, and the other alarm clock that is shaped like an adorable pink egg, one journal, three pencils, two pens, a bowl with bobby pins, hair elastic, an eraser shaped like a peanut, vaseline, and pills. Two books, birthday and anniversary cards from the boyfriend, phone charger, mice-in-a-box puppets, sleep mask, rose hand lotion, and a bottle of water.
What was your favorite children's book?
Oh Simple!
What did you want to be as a child?
An artist, or a veterinarian.
What did you dream about last night?
No idea. I have been having really mundane dreams these days. It's very hard to tell what things really happened and what didn't, what was in dream territory and what is real. It's making things really hard, sometimes! It makes my days seem all fuzzy and weird.
Which do you prefer, day or night?
Day. I'm not really a night person, although I keep staying up late anyway now that I don't have work or classes super-early! I do much better in the mornings. I'm more productive. At night I just hit a wall and get tired and useless.
What would you like to get your hands on right now?
The perfect dress. Wouldn't we all, hahaha.
What is your must-have of the moment?
The pinkest lip-gloss!
What's your favorite tea flavor?
I favor floral flavors. My favorite ever is Mariage Freres Eros tea, although almost any black tea with roses is delightful for me.
What are you looking forward to?
Summer! Normally, I dread it. I'm sure once it gets here I'll be totally over it, but for now it seems to be running away from us even as we prepare for it. The days keep hovering around the high 60s and low 70s—which normally is perfection. I just want it to be hot now though! I want to be scorching and oppressed by the heat an then I want to jump in the pool and maybe go drink a milkshake and feel sick for drinking dairy on a hot day.
Now, my question:
Pick one line of poetry that sums up your mood right now. (That's not a question, but whatever <3)
“I was going to write a poem
I made a pie instead”
I shall tag:
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| we were once those kids, with fluid hips and bruised up shins....... |
[Wednesday
July 15th, 2009] |
somewhere between philadelphia and pontiac we let go of the wheel and decodes that a wreck was best for us. We hid in the ditch from the ambulance all night
thank you for the search party; we just weren't ready to be found
who knew the heights could have such vast depths?
who knew that my veins would dry up this quick?
so afraid, yet secure with every single breath of our battered hearts
ARISE MY LOVE, MY LOVE ARISE!!!
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[Wednesday
July 15th, 2009] |
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[Tuesday
July 14th, 2009] |
Look what I captured today. I'm so happy, I can't even stand it.
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[Monday
July 13th, 2009] |
Monday, 7/12/09 12:26am
I have a new pack of batteries, which means I'm able to use my old PowerShot. I snapped this without a tripod. I love that camera.
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[Sunday
July 12th, 2009] |
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i hate caring about ppl i kno i shouldn't.
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[Tuesday
July 7th, 2009] |
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Leaving for Indiana tomorrow! I'm so excited to see Crissy.. But so nervous about everything else. I hate flying, I'm meeting her parents, best friend, a few other friends of hers and her grandma. I'm pretty excited to meet her mom and best friend. But her dad is what I'm worried about. I hope it all goes good. I have a feeling that I'm going to be the quietest I have been in a long time all day tomorrow and probably the next day. Such a strange feeling..
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[Monday
July 6th, 2009] |
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mood |
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If you consider anyone whose come into your life and left without your consent, someone that's made a part of you, now vacant. I believe you spend more than the time they were there, trying to fill those holes, without honest intention.
Besides being eternally busy with work, I've been, for thirteen months, busy with nothing. A decent amount of the past week. Weeks. I've forgotten detail I believe I'd want to remember down the line. When I ask myself; how did I get here? Where are my friends? How much have I had to drink? And who is this guy I've got my arms around? Or maybe I ask myself those questions every other day. I just don't remember. But with every drink and every joint and every cigarette I replace with legitimate food, I can still remember you. Better than the back of my hand.
It was Ryan's house Tuesday, somewhere with Alyssa, her guy Alex led us to. Ryan, his girlfriend, Jackie, and their friends, Brandon, James, and Ryan's cousin, Evan. After watching 'Hot Rod', breaking the ice at glacier pace, we went swimming, unprepared. Alyssa in her cami and Ryan's outgrown swim trunks, me, my bra and 'I love summer' underwear. After James thieved Alex's trunks, the remaining four of us still in the pool, ended up naked too. This was before the heavy drinking. Showing up four guys old enough to buy alcohol, around six shots in ten seconds of straight 'Captain's'. Dressed again in Brandon's spare boxers, before almost immediately locating Ryan's bathroom. I spend a lot of time on people's toilets, one body part or another. It was then high-fives and wholewheat bread. Alyssa told me she found James and I slow dancing in the kitchen.
Wednesday night, Lice and I ended up on Woodward, three blocks south of 7 Mile at a 'drum circle' with Alex and his friend, David. Before I even proceeded to get drunk, I kept repeating things like, 'is this real life?' and by the time I was drunk, Austen Anderson showed up. 'You'll see a green and red neon sign in an arch. There's a tree house and fire pits and a bunch of people playing drums and over one-hundred hippies smoking fucking bongs and shit and passing around free wine!' was something like my directions to Austen. The wine was fine, but the Vodka Ryann offered me was top of the line. Austen and I walked, or fell in my case, back to his vehicle to find his and Andy's weed. Andy reminded me of Gerard Way. But Andy had it in the first place, so we just slouched down in the car for a minute. I was tired of tripping over my own feet and I thought I sprained my ankle. "I don't know how much you care about me. Maybe it's more than I care about you, I don't know." My mom always told me, 'being drunk is just an excuse to do the things you want to do, but won't, when you're sober'. I never confess anyone's secrets or any of mine I'd prefer hidden, but I scream out everything that comes to my mind or for whatever reason, try to one-hundred percent convince someone of the only sincere feelings I have in me, only while intoxicated. And with everything that had happened throughout a few weeks, leading up to this point, 'Dead Like Austen' was looking pretty good. "You don't think I care about you? I do care about you." He was using that irresistible stutter, "here, let me show you something." He dug out his wallet and began to flip through pictures and cards. He pulled out one of my senior pictures. "I stole this." I snatched it from him and flipped it over before my brain could even enable me to understand where it came from. It was signed to Alyssa. "What!?" "I didn't read it! I didn't want to intrude..further." I remember over-dramatically hyperventilating. "Are you mad? I knew you might be mad." "You stole..Alyssa's..picture." I managed to gasp out. I was just drunk enough to forget how to handle what I perceive as fucking crazy. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." "Oh my God! How did you even take this!? Where was I?" "I don't know..I just-" "What are you going to steal next? My underwear!?" I got out of the car and hobbled back towards the party. Told Alyssa, who looked worried about my wheezing. If you noticed a photo of me missing from your bulletin board, that would be another result of my recent choice of stand-up guys. I've decided to take this time, as flattery.
Friday night was 'Funk Night', Detroit. DL to the point of an hour-long search party for the party. And when Ryann and I got there, mango Vodka at hand, the management was too legit and getting caught underage and drunk in the 'D' was the last way either of us wanted it to go down. So we detoured back to a mainstream club off 'Bagley' and proceeded to meet mental 'checkpoints' Ryann created on the bottle. Ten minutes into the club and sober enough to be disappointed, Ryann's posse supplied us with infinite pitchers of beer and chugging those are always a lot easier after straight liquor. I couldn't keep either of my eyes open at the same time, let alone walk or dance. I saw a topless girl with black tape X's over her nipples. And one of Ryann's ex's who probably weighed around seventy pounds. I called Alyssa to tell her how much I love her, in which I tend to make a drunk habit of. And Mike B. And Ryann pulled me from the couch to continue dancing and my mouth started watering and I was back in the bathroom. We listened to 'Modest Mouse' on the drive home and we slept in the same bed and when we woke up, we went to breakfast. One (out of two) of Ryann's girlfriends got engaged that last weekend, and the other one was suddenly boring? Ryann's a monogamist, if that's important. A monogamist dates (commits) to more than one person at a time, which is what Michelle at work mistakes me for doing, but monogamy is supposed to be open and there's a whole other word for what I've been known to do, and it's not monogamy. At drum circle, I was also enlightened on Ryann's 'pansexual' sexuality. To be pansexual, is to love anyone regardless of gender. It's different than bisexual, in that you're ignoring sex completely and all the reproductive organs that go with it. Sounds like a fantasy concept. Works for some people. But I find loving anyone a challenge enough. Over a Denny's 'Grand slam' of pancakes, hash browns, eggs, and toast, Ryann decided that monogamy was suddenly no longer in his best interest to be 'realistic'. And he put so much behind that theory originally, I thought.
I met James Cox's mom, and he fried me two eggs, over-easy. And his mom told me I'd hate going into any medical physician or veterinarian work because she's paid to tell people things like that. Plus, she is right. I feel faint at the sight of blood and my mom was always the one with the heart for animals. The name 'James' reminds me too much of recent events, and I call James C. 'Kit' for 'Kitty'. He can be as much of a cat as I can be on a daily basis. When I finally did cut the ties, that soon became suffocating knots, James Harken took it quite well with something a little along the lines of, "Fuck you, you fucking whore. I'm going to make sure your nudes are all over the web and everyone knows you're a whore!" Alrighty then. My sixteen-year-old nudes; old news. I can probably refer you to some classier child pornography sites, but if it's truly that dire for anyone to see me naked, please, let me know. I wouldn't want anyone to die in vain now. This maturely-composed statement coming from someone who once said, "Just because you're on 'Anonib', doesn't mean you aren't classy." Thank you, James Harken, not only for beating the shit out of me and trying to take possessive control of my life, but for the irreplaceable insight. I'm just playing, I think you're a worthless, fat pig, and I hope the next female you decide to choke-up, pulls out a switchblade, slits open your nut sack, and uses the innards of your testicles to strangle you.
It was another Wednesday, another date with Austen. After eating, shopping, smoking, he took me to his mother's. If you knew Austen, you'd appreciate know that he and his mom are just alike. While Austen did ballet and imitated John Mayer in the family room, his mother kept giving me all his older sister's clothes. She seemed shocked to see a girl accompanying Austen, I was surprised when she told me it doesn't happen all the time. "A lot of girls are stupid and shallow. They don't understand Austen. You must be special." His mother took our picture and he put it in a frame, crooked, and gave it to me. "You're like a shining star. I can see you, but I can't have you."
Kit had us all over for dinner last Friday night, the same night Adam came home on leave. Ryan and Jackie, Alex and Alyssa, Kit and me. I'm sure Kit made all the food, seeing as he's going to school to be a chef. A Culinary Arts student. After Ryan and Jackie left, the remaining four of us went upstairs and tested out my unused dice. Plastic pink ones I had to buy when Alyssa took me to 'Cirilla's'. There are sides of Alyssa I am continuously surprised to see. None of it bothered me enough to talk about. I confessed a little to Alex. I trust him. I told Alyssa to 'put that boy on lock-down'. His outstanding downfall in my book; dating Shannon 'Shenanigans'. Kit's mom promised him a 'reading' for me. I'll admit, I was worried to death. Good reason, I know now.
Adam picked me up from Kit's, right after Alyssa and Alex left, sooner after we smoked a bowl. I didn't know if it was the THC's perception, but Adam seemed angrier or just intense. It got better when it slowly sank in that I was really there with him. He'd sporadically kiss my cheek or put me in a headlock. At last we laid down and watched 'Fight Club', I told him I was holding out on it for him. And at four in the morning we finally fell asleep. He woke me up before nine, somehow in his bed. I figured he carried me, and slept on the couch. He dad drug me, Adam, and his brother, Alexander to see the 'Transformers' sequel. I kept falling asleep. It wasn't that good. Adam took me to the mall. He took me grocery shopping. And all his friends showed up for a barbecue. Alex blew off 'bottle rockets' in his hand. Ian, the one that creeps on Alyssa, followed me around and talked about weed. Ben showed up late, we didn't talk. Bryan, I met at an Emmure show with Alex, Ian, Alex, and I drove out to Meijer, and when we came back, everyone was gone. It turned into an 'Adam Richey scavenger hunt' for about two hours, we stopped at Ian's, he has a bong, we stopped at Karleigha's, Adam's ex/good friend, and Adam took me home. He told me to 'hold on' earlier, and he made me hold out my hands. "This is my Marine Corp ring. I want you to hold on to it. Don't lose it." The way the ring felt in my hands, around my finger. I felt he was asking me so much more.
He got out of the truck in front of my house to hug me good-bye again. He felt my chest sigh. "One month, Brianne." I looked up at him, unconvinced. Then we said our 'good-bye's' and I turned away from him once more. "Hey wait!" He grabbed me by the wrist and turned me back around with my blank face. He touched my side. He kissed me. Not like midnight, January first, when the ball dropped and we pecked for good tidings. He kissed me with my eyes closed for seconds time stood still. "One month." I kissed him back. Is this really happening?
"You know you can't give me what I need. And even though you mean so much to me, I can't wait through everything."
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[Saturday
July 4th, 2009] |
blah. idk what to do w. myself. i keep trying to look at schools to go to but honestly, i'm having trouble finding a good school that has the majors i'm interested in that's not too far away. i wish i could go as far as i wanted, but i feel like dad keeps holding me back. i kno he doesn't want me to go too far away but i want to go to a school that has a good program for what i want and i'm having trouble finding a school like that that i would like around here. honestly, if i could, i'd get out of the fucking country, far away from here but i feel kindof guilty for just wanting to get up and leave my family because i kno how much it would upset my dad, mostly. but i feel so trapped here. i don't want to do anything that upsets my dad and it sucks. i wish i could shake myself out of it because it always winds up holding me back somehow.
i wish i knew what i want to do w. my life. i kno i want to do something w. animals. but looking for a school that offers zoology, wildlife biology/marine biology and pre-vet is difficult. evry career i look at that i'm sortof interested in sounds silly. i don't rly want to cure animals, i want to take care of them. but idk...i thought wildlife rehabilitation sounded cool, but then mom told me that barely anyone can get involved in that and it's rly difficult. not knowing what i want to do makes me feel so lost and confused. i wish i was already out living my life and not stuck here, doing the same thing with the same ppl all the time. i need something NEW.
i feel bad because i get so easily sick of the people that i hang out with. even when i hung out w. more people and different groups of people, it would happen. i can't get rly close to someone and hang out w. them a lot w. out getting sick of them and it sucks. i just need to take breaks from people sometimes, but sometimes it's like a couple months and idk, i feel like i ruin friendships so easily. it's like i don't get too attached to people or something because i've gotten so used to losing people.
things to do:
- carve something into the wood piece i got and then paint it
- trace moon/sun design on the wall behind my bed and then paint it
- do a photoshoot of my fwends that aren't on my wall yet to add to the pictures i have, to make it look even (in color)
- figure out where to put the drawings javi gave me
- get 3-d paint and do designs on wooden 'BEE' (my nickname)letters i bought, and hang in my room (above b&w pictures?)
- buy tapestry to cover my closet
- save up money for europe + vibes ($100 or more if i can for each)
- get bks to read for summer reading
- get fake sunflowers to hang on wall
- replace orange drawer things w. something else
- find another little bowl to put earrings/jewelry in
- get my nose pierced w. sam!! (save up $30-$60)
- buy hamsters or something cute to put in that cage that's just wasting space in my room
- buy a fish eye and wide angle lense - after summer
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[Friday
July 3rd, 2009] |
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music |
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Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell - Ain't No Mountain High Enough |
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( +1 )
боль – состояние ума, к ней можно привыкнуть.
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